The Scariest Thing I Did…

As A Christian

Back on a Sunday morning—November 2, 2014—while at home, the Lord spoke to me and told me to let go of the rule of spending time with Him. Here is what I wrote in my journal that morning:

“Since this is His suggestion, that means I am able to let go with His help… I am scared to take the rule away because I want an anointing and the rules make me feel safe. Abba, You will have to fix this—I cannot. I don’t want the rule anymore. It is tiring, and it is not relationship; it is robotic. I want what I had before, but better—even deeper… You want to strip away my rules mentality, which equates to performance.”

Then He asked, “How well do you know Bryan?”

I responded, “Hmppf!”

He replied, “Because you want to know him, not because you have to (which is performance-rules-driven).”

I finished writing with this:

“Feels like slippery ground (letting go of a rule)—but I know there is exquisite freedom. Help me, Abba.”

Agreeing to this was the scariest thing I had ever done as a Christian… except maybe when I told the leadership of the church that the money wasn’t going to come in. But that’s another story—one you can read here: What is a Prophet to Do? For now, though, let’s continue with this story.

Please note that I had been taught over the years that my anointing would come from being obedient—obedient to God and to those in leadership, even to the detriment of myself. And my safety was reliant on my following rules.  I trusted in my own ability to perform for God and others in order to attain an anointing and “feel safe”. Have you ever done so?

God wanted me to see that His kingdom has different “rules.” It isn’t like the way the world sees rules (i.e., if I do this, this, and this, then I get a promotion). No—His kingdom has used fishermen and women to spread the message of the New Covenant. He takes the foolish things of the world to shame the wise and has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong (1 Corinthians 1:27).

Two weeks later, on another Sunday, I began to understand that I had a lot of rules He wanted me to let go of—many placed there by leadership to prove I was fit for leadership. I was so scared because I understood that, for me, rules meant anointing, favor, love, and safety. He had previously asked me three times in a row if I trusted Him. I was beginning to understand that I had placed His anointing, favor, love, and safety on my behavior. If my behavior was good and I performed “all the rules,” then I would be okay. Yet, now God was trying to show me that when I trust in Him, I already have His protection, favor, love, anointing—and I am safe. Here is what I wrote:

“Letting go of the rules opens a greater dimension of sensory delight!”

Here is what I experienced that morning:

I was back in the black-and-white forest with the lake (it looked one-dimensional too). It still lacked color, and I could hear a rusted hinge trying to be opened. I saw myself trying to open this heavy, thick, metal, rusted door. I asked Jesus to help me, and it opened with ease. We walked in, and it was a dark cave. Yet, Jesus lit it up and it was glittery inside—beautiful—with Him lighting it up. Then I said, “I don’t know how to get all of this out into the open or how to get it outside of the cave.” Again I asked the Lord to help, and boom—it exploded into the black-and-white, one-dimensional forest with the lake. The once one-dimensional black-and-white forest and lake now became brilliant, glittery, and very dimensional. This is when I heard, “No more hiding.”

In this, I finally understood what it meant to die to live. I had to die to my performance to really live in Jesus. This began a path that led to more trust and a better understanding of complete reliance on what Jesus did for me, for the world, and trusting in that. So through all of this—and eleven years later—I live in the place of exquisite freedom and sensory delight. This is why the front cover picture of Time to Really Live Free shows a cave opening into a wide-open field, and why I state, “Come and join me in the wide-open space of freedom in Christ.”  This is the place Jesus died to create for you, me and the whole world.  Join me in this glittery, full color, multi dimensional world of grace.

May God’s grace abound towards you and yours, Darlene